Perception
by staceycj
Summary: Post 5X05 The boys need a different perspective. Angsty
1. Chapter 1

"He said he went with Ruby because he wanted to get away from me. That I smother him." Dean said and took a drink from one of the glasses of whisky that he had poured for himself and Bobby. "Does that mean that Dad ditched me because I was smothering him too?" Dean asked after a minute. Bobby was startled by the childlike quality to Dean's voice. "I mean, Sam, well, I raised Sam. I thought…well I thought lots of things…but a demon over me? Because….she was more…what? Fun? Less smothering? I didn't realize…."

"Dean." Dean looked up at the older man. "Dean. He didn't tell you that he left you because you were a horrible person or a bad hunter…"

"No. But there were so many times when he was out with Ruby that I needed him. Bobby, this past year has been so hard for me."

"Been hard for your brother too."

"He hasn't had to deal with the…"

"Atrocities of hell?"

"Right." Dean said and took a sip of the liquid.

"Yeah, son, he really kinda did."

"I seriously doubt that." Dean said with a glare. "He was too busy drinking hell bitch blood and trying to get away from me, because I make him feel weak, I make him feel like a little brother."

"Well, you treat him like one."

"He acts like one!"

"Because you don't give him the chance to grow!"

"But, I need…"

"You need him to be the little brother?"

"Yeah, I need someone to look up to me, to love me unconditionally, to want to be around me. Little brothers do that. This new Sam….This adult Sam. He doesn't even like me much less love or want me around." Dean took another drink. "Makes sense. No one else likes me either. Whatever. Enough whining in my beer. How are you feelin' Bobby?"

"No you don't Dean. You don't get to go and change the subject."

"Bobby…"

"Now you listen to me boy. You are plenty liked and plenty loved. When you were gone Sam and I…"

"Moved on." Dean said simply and without bite. "You and Sam moved on. Sam became a better hunter, and you continued to live your life, as you should. No one really missed ME while I was downstairs." Bobby was shocked by this line of thinking. The boy really didn't understand. "You guys missed the idea of me. Sam felt guilty, felt like he should do something because well…I'm his brother…I'm his blood. Whatever. And you, well, Bobby I'm nothing to you. No relation, no nothing. People get along just fine when I'm not around. It was obvious."

"You really think that boy?"

"Yeah, I pretty much do Bobby. Because when I came back from the pit, there wasn't one shread of anything that showed me anyone missed me. Sam put an Ipod in my car, was hunting, found himself a new partner even, and well, whatever. It's not important. I should have seen it coming."

"You need to get over yourself boy. We had to move on. There was nothing we could do. We tried everything we knew. Pulled in every favor between the two of us. We tried Dean. But we had to move on."

"I'm here. I've been here for a year Bobby." Dean said quietly. "And he left me. He kept going off with her. Kept leaving me. Even when he knew I needed him." Dean snorted and put the drink back down on the table. "I guess old Yellow Eyes was right. He said that I needed him and Dad more than they ever needed me. He was right. Just wish I would have listened."

"You need to get your head out of your ass boy. Just simply. Get it the hell out. You need to get off of the pity pot, you need to suck it up and move on, treat your brother like an adult, and build a new relationship with him. Quit your whining."

The last sentence echoed in his day dreams. Dean shook himself, sat up and looked over at his brother. He needed to talk to Bobby. Bobby would give him a fast kick in the ass and make him realize that everything Sam said was true and it was right, and he just needed to deal with it and move on. Yes. He needed to see Bobby.


	2. Chapter 2

"Bobby, I've made a mistake." Sam said as he put the beer bottle in front of the elder hunger.

"Boy, you've been making lots of mistakes lately, you need to clarify which one for me." Bobby growled and took a swig of the beer in front of him. Sam looked down at his own bottle and shrunk about three inches. Bobby always knew how to put him in his place, and he deserved that last comment.

"I made a mistake with Dean."

"What did you do son?"

"I told him one the real reasons I went with Ruby."

"There is more than what you've told us? More than you just wanting to protect your brother, and the world?"

"Yeah, actually there is. It's a more selfish reason."

"Selfish. Oh brother, this should be good. Spill it."

"I wanted to be away from Dean." Bobby's eyes went wide and his mouth hung open for a second.

"You what?"

"I felt smothered. I needed…I needed to grow up."

"And you thought the time to grow up was when your brother was suffering from Hell dreams, and struggling to just survive every single day? You thought that was a perfect time to do that?"

"That was the addiction…"

"You need to get your story straight Sam, did the addiction make you leave your brother alone in motel rooms virtually defenseless and scared, or was it the fact that you wanted to be on your own, grow up? You can't have it both ways kid."

"I don't know."

"You don't know. Well, how about this….your brother has done everything in the world for you. He went to Hell for you, and the only way you can repay him is starting the apocalypse and then breaking his heart? Wow. It's a good thing that Dean never paid you with the same kindness."

"He had just as much to do with the apocalypse as I did!" Sam demanded, refusing to be the one who took the heat for that forever.

"Oh yeah. Sure, right. He was in HELL! He was being tortured every single day, every single minute of his time down under, and the only way to feel better, to maybe not have to suffer his arms being severed from his body with a dull blade, was to get up and dish out a little himself. And you what? Wanted to feel more grown up. Wanted to get out from under the watchful eye of your big brother, who loved you more than his own life?"

"I never asked him to love me more than his own life."

"Do you love your brother?"

"What? What kind of question is that? Of course I love him."

"You certainly don't act like it."

"I did everything I did because I love him."

"Sam, you really need to figure out your story. First it is because you love and want to protect your brother…then it is because you want to grow up…and we're back to the we love Dean so much we started the apocalypse."

"You're twisting my words."

"No. You're twisting your own words Sam. I'm just laying them out there for you." Bobby took another drink and allowed Sam to process what had been said. After a pause Bobby asked, "How many people, for certain, in your lifetime have you known that love you no matter what?"

"What?"

"Name them Sam."

"Dean, Dad, Jessica, and you."

"Who do you know loves Dean unconditionally no matter what?"

"Dad, Me…..you?"

"You sure about that?"

"What?"

"Who has been there for him all of the time?" Sam looked down and thought about it.

"Dad…"

"He ditched your brother for long periods of time, and then he told him that he might have to kill you. Put yourself in Dean's shoes….what do you think he thinks?"

"Okay, not dad. You?"

"I threatened his daddy with a shot gun and told him never to come back, he thought that meant him too."

"Me?"

"Yeah. And what happened?"

"I told him that I chose a demon over him because he was smothering me." Realization flashed in Sam's brain. "He…he thinks…"

"That you've abandoned him too. You need to think before you speak Sam."

That last thought echoed through his brain. The road was in front of him again, eating up the miles to no where. He looked over at Dean who looked over at him.

"You think we should head to Bobby's?" Dean asked. "You know…check on him. Make sure everything is okay?"

"Yeah, yeah. I think that would be a good idea." Sam said with a lick of his lips. He needed to talk to Bobby.

Dean nodded and was thrilled that Sam agreed. He needed to talk to Bobby.


	3. Chapter 3

Bobby knew something was up the moment the boys stepped out of the car. Each looked like someone had kicked their favorite puppy, and each wasn't looking the other in the eye. Bobby sighed inwardly. These two had had their share of troubles in the last year and a half, and when it rained for a Winchester, it poured. And one thing Winchesters never stopped to do was to deal with the personal side of hunting.

Sam and Dean were experts at patching up physical wounds, able to stitch up a gash in a leg, and both were able to deal with the pain and pretend that they weren't in such pain that they wanted to feint right there on the carpet.

But the looks in their eyes indicated that it had nothing to do with physical wounds, it was all emotional. God knew that this last year was full of those wounds, especially for Dean, who was still reeling from hell, from breaking the first seal, from the realization that he tortured others—it didn't seem to matter that it happened in hell, and it was exacerbated by the fact that he only took up the knife because he wanted to relieve his own suffering, and Dean never felt that his comfort was worth the price of someone else's.

Even though Dean's year had been rough, Sam's had been just as rough. Bobby had witnessed first hand what happened to Sam after his brother went to hell, watched the normally bright eyed determined young man lose the life in his eyes, walk around like a ghost, and he watched the determination and love for others and life blink out to be replaced by the need to self destruct and to find revenge. Those months had turned their tender hearted Sam into their father. And with that, Sam had made decisions that had harmed him both physically, and emotionally. Those decisions made him hurt his brother in ways that Bobby knew the younger man regretted above anything else in his life.

Neither one of them knew how to talk it out, knew how to apologize and convince the other that they meant it. They had been taught to swallow everything, the hurt, the fear, the worry, and bottle it up so tight that the pressure would kill them before any monster, angel, or demon. So, the fact that both of them looked like they had kicked their favorite dog was extremely accurate, they had kicked each other to a bloody pulp, and neither meant to do it.

"What are you boys doing here?" Bobby asked gruffly, glad they came to him when they needed help or reprieve. Bobby had never been fortunate enough to have children that had his blood, but the Winchester boys, they were the next best thing, and he loved them like a father.

"Well, old man, we thought we'd come by and crash for a bit if that's okay with you." Dean said popping the trunk.

"You know it is. And it's a good thing you boys come too, I've got things that I need you to do."

"Putting us to work as soon as we walk through the door huh?" Sam questioned with a small smile.

"Damn straight. Gotta work for all of that beer you're going to drink."

"Yeah, yeah." Dean mumbled and took his stuff, handed Sam his and walked by Bobby, up the ramp they had built right after Bobby got out of the hospital, and into the house.

Sam and Dean went through the motions sure enough, they went upstairs together, put their stuff in their room, and walked down the stairs together, but anyone who knew the Winchester boys could see that they may look like they are together but, they truly were out of sync with one another. And what a truly rare thing that was. Even when they were kids, no matter the disagreement, they were always side by side, always in step with one another. Seeing the two of them like this was heartbreaking.

Sam went to the kitchen and immediately began checking Bobby's cupboards. "Well Bobby, you have nothing in here but alcohol. The doctor said…" And he launched into a complete recitation of what exactly the doctor had told him about eating upon discharge. There are times Bobby wish that boy couldn't remember EVERYTHING, and right this second was one of them. He sighed at the end of the recitation. "I'll go to the grocery and pick up some real food, and you are going to eat it, you need better food in you…you can't be eating like this…" He looked at Dean, and Dean fished out his car keys and threw them at the younger Winchester and he disappeared through the front door, and the engine of the Impala fired up and was gone. Dean rolled his eyes and went to the refrigerator and grabbed a beer.

"Some people just don't realize the nutritional value of a good beer." He handed one to Bobby and took the top off of his own and took a swig. Dean looked down at the beer, and leaned against the counter.

"Something's wrong." Bobby said after Dean had cleared half of the bottle.

"Nothing's wrong." Dean said deflecting. Bobby and Dean both knew it was a lie, but it was the dance that one had to play in order for Dean to share anything.

"Son, something is wrong with you."

"Nothing important, just you know, the apocalypse and all."

"Dean…" Dean looked away from Bobby, held the mouthful of beer and then finally swallowed and began the pacing process.

"It's Sam."

"Is he okay?"

"Yeah, he's fine. Physically. No withdraw stuff. He's all good that way. Whoever zapped us onto soul plane cleared it all right up." He took another swig.

"So..?"

"So….He said some things…"

"Said some things about…?" Bobby wanted to roll over Dean's foot and make him tell him what the hell was going on, because this pussyfooting around took too damn long.

"About why he really went off with Ruby."

"He said that it was to protect you, to kill Lilith."

"Apparently that was the noble reason, the one he didn't mind telling people."

"What is the other reason?"

"He said I smothered him into going with Ruby." He took a drink. "I drove my brother to drink demon blood." Dean shook his head and finally took a seat opposite Bobby. "I just wanted to protect him. I just…"

"Wanted to make him do exactly as you say."

"No. That's not it."

"Dean, you order the boy around."

"He's…."

"A grown man."

"But…Dad…he, he, he told me to look out for him. That's what I'm doing."

"He's how old now Dean? 26?"

"Yeah."

"You were that old when you went and got him from Stanford."

"But…"

"Dean…"

"You telling me that he's right. I made him betray me? I made him drink demon blood? I made all of that happen, because I wanted to keep him safe? I wanted him to be okay?"

"I'm not saying that you did that."

"Then what are you saying Bobby?"

"I'm saying that maybe a little less bossing around might help your cause. He's not a little kid anymore."

"He doesn't listen to me if I'm not bossing him around."

"Have you actually tried that?" Dean glared at Bobby. "Have you?"

"No."

"Then how do you know?"

Dean shrugged and went back to the bottle. "A shrug ain't an answer boy. Your daddy taught you better than that."

"I don't trust that he will stay if I don't command him to."

"You're afraid he'll leave?"

"Yeah. Everyone leaves. If…if I don't boss him around, if I don't keep him on a short leash, he'll leave like he's done before. I just don't trust him anymore Bobby."

"Dean." Dean didn't look up, he began picking at the label on the beer bottle. "Dean. Look at me." Dean finally looked up, hurt evident in his eyes. "Sam always comes back to you."

And that was the reason Dean talked to Bobby, he saw the situation from a different light, and could offer a different perspective. Bobby was right, Sam always did come back. Maybe he'd stay longer if Dean relaxed. Dean finished his beer, and grabbed another.


	4. Chapter 4

Dealing with Sam Winchester was always a much different experience than dealing with his brother. Sam was the Winchester that was always willing to talk, always willing to tell you exactly what was wrong with him, because he believed that talking could help the situation, that letting out all of the emotions that you had pent up in your belly would make you a happier person.

So, when Bobby heard the Impala pull up, and the door squeak open, he fully expected to have to do nothing other than look at Sam, and Sam would spill everything, and they could get this sharing and caring moment over with, and maybe with both of them talking a little to Bobby, maybe they would take what they had learned to each other and maybe, the two of them wouldn't look quite so much like they had lost their favorite pet.

Sam came in by the kitchen door groceries weighting down his long arms. "Hey Bobby." Sam said as he flipped hair out of his eyes.

"What did you do son? Buy the grocery store out?" Sam gave a small smile that didn't exactly reach his expressive eyes.

"I just bought enough beer that the woman at the register felt the need to give me a lecture on alcoholism. The store wasn't busy, so she didn't feel the need to rush her speech." Bobby smiled and wheeled himself into the kitchen.

"Where's Dean? I didn't see him." Sam tried to not act too interested in the question, he tried to ask it as if he were asking if it should rain later today. He didn't want to reveal that he was slightly nervous that Dean would take off on him and not look back. Once, Sam had thought that the car would go with Dean, that Dean would never go anywhere without the Impala, that the car meant too much to him, but lately, lately, Dean had offered it to him every time the two of them had split up, the car must not have meant as much to him anymore, so now, Sam didn't trust that his brother wouldn't just up and leave everyone and everything—namely Sam.

"He's out in the workshop, seeing what he can do on a Mustang my mechanic can't seem to figure out what the problem is. Don't' freaking know why I keep that guy employed." Bobby muttered as Sam handed him a beer. Bobby sincerely didn't want this beer, he'd had two when Dean had talked to him about Sam less than an hour ago. It seemed to be a thing with the Winchester boys, you had to have at least one drink before you could start talking about your feelings. These boys needed a good therapist, or maybe Sam should have listened to the woman's lecture at the market a little more closely.

Bobby sighed inwardly as he watched Sam unload the groceries, he just wished the boy would come out with it, but like his brother, there was a dance one had to perform before he would speak. Granted, Sam's was never quite as long or complicated as Dean's but it was there just the same.

"What's going on Sam?" Bobby asked.

The big man shrugged, "That ain't an answer boy. Something's the matter with you and Dean. I could feel it when you boys walked through the door." Direct was the best way to approach Sam. He responded to it, while you needed to beat around the bush with Dean, Sam simply responded to directness.

"You noticed?"

"Boy, I've known you kids since you were knee high to a grasshopper. Give me some credit." Sam turned around and rested against the counter, just as his older brother had. Sometimes they were so alike it hurt.

"I've said things to Dean lately that I probably should have kept to myself."

"Like what?"

Sam looked down and shuffled his feet. "I told him that I went with Ruby to get away from him, that his smothering was making me want to run."

"Oh."

"Yeah. And we all know how Dean responds to criticism." Sam shook his head. "No, that's not fair. I would have responded the same way had the tables been reversed." Sam took a deep breath.

"Were you being honest?"

"What?"

"Was one of the reasons you went with Ruby because Dean was smothering you?"

Sam held his tongue for a while, trying to decide if that had really been the case or if he had simply said it to get a reaction out of his older brother, and when the answer came to his mind it shamed him further. "Yeah." Sam swallowed. "It's true."

"You can't help how Dean takes something."

"But he's my brother. He went to hell for me."

"So? It doesn't give him a right to be smothering mother hen."

"But, that's who he is."

"Just because he's your brother don't mean all of his qualities are good." Bobby was playing devil's advocate, because that was the song Sam Winchester needed him to dance to.

"But, he's been through so much…"

"Don't mean he's got a right to make your life miserable."

"But my life isn't miserable…he's back. He's whole. He's not in hell anymore. I'm not alone."

"But you weren't alone, you had Ruby…..Didn't you tell me that you and Ruby were saving people?"

"Yeah. We did….but, it was all fake. She just let me think that."

"But you saved people…just the same…you found a hunting partner. It wasn't like you were alone when he died."

"That's not true." Sam defended wildly.

"How is that not true Sam?"

"Dean isn't Ruby. He's my brother. She was a poor substitute for him." Bobby sensed a but.

"But…?"

"She didn't make me feel weak and needy. Dean makes me feel like a child. I'm a grown man."

"Yes you are."

"I don't need someone sitting behind me yelling at me for every little decision that I make!"

"No you don't."

"I don't want to be a subordinate. I know I've made some bad…really bad…decisions, but that doesn't mean that I'm still not a good hunter, that I don't know right from wrong. I know now…I know for certain what is right and wrong."

"I know you do son."

"I was confused for such a long time. When Dean died…" Sam licked his lips. This wasn't something any of them talked about. Dean's death was hard for all to talk about, they had all felt his loss deeply and differently. "When Dean died, I lost a part of me. A part of me that I was so desperate to find and get back, that I made some really really bad calls. But….but…" Sam swiped at his eyes. "It's over. I know what I've done, and I'm ready to make amends for it, but I can't apologize every single second of the day. I can't." Sam turned around and began clattering for a pan and turned on the water waiting for it to fill the large pot.

"He doesn't understand what it was like when he was gone….he doesn't know. I wasn't ready to do this on my own, I thought I was, he thought I was, but I wasn't. I needed him, I needed him to be there at my back, and when he wasn't…I found a piss poor substitute, and I regret that. I regret that when he came back I was consumed with Ruby and the blood, I regret hurting his feelings, I regret not building him up, and tearing him down instead. I regret all of that deeply. But he can't put me on a leash so tight that I choke."

"He does like to keep you close." Bobby acknowledged.

"So close I want to run away." Sam shook his head. "And we all know how good I am at that."

"We all deal with things differently son."

"I just never seem to chose the right way. He doesn't trust me, and I deserve that, I mean, I choked him almost to death. I hit him. I hurt him because of Ruby. I wouldn't trust me either. But, I want to be able to earn that back. I want to be his partner. I don't want to be his subordinate, his little brother…I want to be his equal. And how can I prove that with my leash choking me?"

"Have you thought about explaining it to him?"

"Oh, yeah right, Mr. No Chick Flicks. Right."

"You and I both know there are ways around that."

"Yeah." Sam conceded, turned off the water and put the pan on the stove. "Yeah. And I've taken advantage of that, and every single time I do, I put my foot in my mouth and say stuff like 'I went off with Ruby because of you.' And that closes him down, and makes him angry. Then he thinks about it, and he apologizes, offers me the car, because it's all he's got to give, and he sits in the passenger's side and doesn't look at me. He pretends to be so macho, but he's so tender hearted."

"I know."

"And I always end up like an elephant trampling him down with one stomp of my huge foot."

"Maybe you need to grow up a little yourself Sam." Sam looked up swiftly. "You want to be his equal, and you should be his equal, you're a grown man. You can make your own decisions. Your decisions as of late have been poor. Very poor. Doesn't make you a bad person, but it does warrant your brother's lack of trust. You need to understand that. You need to take your lumps, and you need to show him that you can make good decisions. First being that you won't take off at the first sign of trouble, because that isn't very mature." Sam nodded. "If you want him to take you seriously, then you need to act the part." Sam nodded.

"Thanks Bobby."

"You're welcome son."

SNSNSNSN

They boys stayed a week, and at one point or another Bobby had heard them talking quietly, and Bobby was fairly certain that the different perspective had nudged them in the right direction with each other. God knows, that Bobby would feel better once the two of them were at rights again. Because Winchesters divided meant the world was in danger.

When they put their stuff in the car, they were together. The tether was nothing more than a thread, but the thread hummed with the beginnings of a new type of indefatigable bond. Angels, Demons, and Monster beware, the brothers were tentatively on the same page.

Bobby waved as the Impala sped out of Singer Salvage.


End file.
